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Column: Sweet Fox gig may expose Tom Brady’s dull side

Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady, interviewed after Super Bowl LV against the Kansas City Chiefs in 2021, will be talking into a Fox Sports microphone for 10 years after he retires.
(Steve Luciano / Associated Press)

Sez Me …

Tom Brady is boring. Like being stuck on hold.

When he’s sober, anyway, when he’s not throwing down avocado tequila and the Lombardi Trophy over into another boat during the Bucs’ Super Bowl victory parade on the Hillsborough River.

When he’s not messing with the PSI in footballs (which, fittingly, is the most insipid, overblown infraction in NFL history).

On the field, he certainly is not dull, although there are athletic moments when he can make a sequoia look like Lamar Jackson.

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But off it? He’s not Don Meredith.

When Tom is done with football, he will become lead NFL analyst for Fox, which is lateraling him $375 million for 10 years. Of course, by the time he gets the gig, he’ll be my partner on a lawn bowling team.

Is he worth the money? Of course not. But I can’t resent him for making what he can, not when the zero-talent Kardashians are making billions. Besides, when Tom was in New England, he always took a discount so the Pats could sign more expensive players.

There obviously are other motives for Fox’s bakers, the Murdochs, to knead more yeast into the Brady loaf. He’s going to be the network’s “ambassador,” it’s face. And he does have a nice, famous face — and a wife who has a famous, and nicer, face.

His value is going to come from corporate work, meeting with sponsors, using his name to polish the NFL badge for Fox, which, eventually, will pull more money from the suits.

But from the booth? Nah. For one, there’s go guarantee he’s going to be any good. Will he be too nice? Will he be overly nice, á la Cris Collinsworth? Will he take shots — especially at players he knows — when warranted? How will he be during a blowout, the toughest duty?

Maybe he’ll be fine. Can’t know until he does it. If he fails, he won’t be the first great player to have tonsillitis, and the Murdochs aren’t going on the dole in any event.

Even if he stinks, so what? People — especially gamblers, and there are millions — don’t watch games to hear announcers. Voices have nothing to do with losing bets.

I never hear anyone say: “Hey, Ralph, Buck and Aikman are on tonight.”

All the top analysts are making big money now, not Brady green, but a good living. It began when CBS handed off $16-million-per, or whatever, to Tony Romo.

But Tony was different, with his bold, often-correct preplay calling, which he doesn’t do as much anymore (although I lost some respect for him during his serious affliction with homeritis during the Cowboys’ playoff loss to the 49ers).

John Madden had the lure, to an extent. I believe the only NFL broadcaster who attracted flocks of viewers — including those who didn’t like football — was Howard Cosell, who transcended all sports he attended. You never knew what he might say, and he made every event he covered bigger than it was.

I can’t see Brady having that effect. But, if you’re in the bank and hear laughing, it’s Tom. …

Meanwhile, Bucs QB coach Clyde Christensen is “ecstatic” Brady’s coming back. Lazy coaches. Clyde probably figures Tom is less work than Blaine Gabbert. …

Jarrett Stidham, once hailed as Brady’s successor in New England, has been FedExed to Vegas. Not, unsurprisingly, Tampa. …

Dallas Mayor Eric Johnson really believes his city could handle another NFL team. Has he been to Dallas? Does he know Jerry Jones? …

Stink O’ The Week Sezment: NFL preseason strength of schedule. Useless. Know when SOS matters? Around game 8 or 9. …

Magnanimous of the Padres to sign Robinson Cano, who I recently learned is my great uncle. …

Jurickson Profar, who had to give up shortstop because he couldn’t throw, has the strongest, most accurate left-field arm in Padres history. ...

The two greatest called home run shots in history: Babe Ruth’s, and the one by Jorge Alfaro’s mom — on Mother’s Day, no less. But he has to bat (.226) more than his weight (230). …

Among the 2 million worldwide podcasts, the last I’d listen to is Joe West’s. …

RIP, Fred Ward. A wonderful actor born in San Diego. …

RIP, Bob Lanier. Perhaps the most elegant among the giants of the Big Era. …

But basketball is a small man’s game now, right? Then why were the NBA’s three MVP finalists — winner Nikola Jokic, Joel Embiid and real MVP Greek Freak — all bigs? …

The Grizzlies had a 55-point lead on the Warriors in Game 5. In the playoffs. There are times when the NBA can embarrass Donald T. Sterling, who can’t be embarrassed. …

Nike may not renew its shoe deal with Kyrie Irving, who called his signature sneaker “trash.” If you don’t play, how can you know that? …

A piece of the asteroid believed to have killed off the dinosaurs has been found. Scientists have named it LeBron. …

Embiid says James Harden isn’t the player he was in Houston. So? Neither is Earl Campbell. …

But, James. Two second-half shots in the Miami loss? Again, the always appropriate Smokey Gaines-ism: “Two more than a dead man.” …

Apparently, Gulls coach Joel Bouchard didn’t Duck properly. Gotta be a bitch to be a minor league hockey coach. …

I didn’t watch the NFL’s schedule release because the edge of my seat is broken. …

If the NFL ruled the world … What am I saying? It already does. …

Saudi Tour huckster Greg Norman, on the killing and dismemberment of Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi: “We all make mistakes.” Greg, scientists now believe great white sharks are intelligent, so lose the nickname. …

Phil Mickelson will avoid defending his PGA Championship. Phil, I totally understand. But it’s time to rejoin the dance and face the musicians. …

The U.S. ranks 31st among countries in math literacy. I assume North Korea, which recently announced its “first COVID case,” has fallen to 32nd. …

Larry Lucchino and Ted Leitner will enter the Padres’ Hall of Fame. “About time” doesn’t say enough. …

If I’m at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter asks me to name 10 things I don’t believe, one of them will be: “That Leitner voluntarily gave up the Padres’ play-by-play job.” …

No chance — zero, zilch, nada — Petco gets built without Lucchino’s relentless pursuit. John Moores had all but given up. Too Smart Larry, the anti-Fredo, saved baseball here. …

NASA wants to send nude illustrations of earthlings into space, just to make double-sure extraterrestrials don’t want anything to do with us. …

So now it’s baby formula? Seriously? What’s next, toilet paper? As Leitner would say, we’re going down the porcelain fixture. …

Lost in Rich Strike’s Dark Star-like upset Derby win was jockey Sonny Leon’s magnificent ride. Best I’ve seen on the big day since Bill Shoemaker’s aboard Ferdinand in 1986. …

Why did Rich Strike win? As John Nettles might say: “He was faster than the other horses.” …

Comic-Con patrons must wear masks. That’s a shame. But don’t most wear them, anyway? …

“There’s no war on homelessness. Ya know why? There’s no money in that problem.” — the great George Carlin.

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Twitter: @sdutCanepa


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